Everyone enjoys a good joke. A great punchline and a well-timed joke that makes others laugh out loud. Jokes can become pure comic gold if they are told at the appropriate time and place, and many people will attempt to repeat them—or at the very least, play them back in their minds sometimes.
After one member of the “Ask Reddit” community launched a discussion about it, other members recently offered jokes that are always on their minds. Netizens remembered a wide variety of jokes, ranging from one-liners to ones that needed a longer buildup. If you’re looking to add more humorous icebreakers or quips to your repertoire of hilarious material to share at family gatherings, don’t hesitate any longer and scroll down to peruse some humorous stuff on the list below.
1.
A semi-truck is stopped by a policeman. After obtaining the required licence and registration, he chooses to look into the unusual noises emanating from the caravan. He discovers fifty penguins inside.
“Why are there fifty penguins in your truck, sir?” The driver is questioned by the officer.
The man responds, “Well, they’re my friends, and we enjoy travelling together in my truck.”
You cannot simply possess fifty penguins, sir. I apologise. You’ll have to take them to the zoo, I’m afraid.
After agreeing, the man leaves in his car. When the same police officer pulls the vehicle over the following day, he hears odd noises coming from the trailer. The same 50 penguins are there when he checks.
A”I believe I instructed you yesterday to bring these penguins to the zoo!” The officer yells at the motorist.
They went to the zoo with me! They adored it! We’re heading to the beach today.
2.
Norm put it best:
A duck enters a pub and places an order for a gammon sandwich and a pint of beer.
The barman gives him a look and says, “Wait a minute! You’re a duck.
When the duck says, “I see your eyes are working,”
“And you can talk!” the barman tells him.
When the duck says, “I see your ears are working, too,” “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
As he pours the duck a pint, the barman responds, “Certainly, sorry about that” Simply put, there aren’t many ducks at this tavern. How come you’re in this area?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” the duck says. “I’m a plasterer.”
When the duck takes a newspaper out of his bag and starts reading it, the shocked barman, who is curious to find out more, follows the clue.
After reading his newspaper, the duck eats his sandwich, sips his beer, says good-bye to the barman and departs.
For two weeks, the same thing keeps happening.
Then the circus arrives in town one day.
The barman greets the ringmaster as he enters the pub for a pint, saying:
“Are you not with the circus? I know a duck that would be a great addition to your circus. He reads the newspaper, eats sandwiches, drinks beer, and chats about everything.
The ringmaster answers, “Sounds marvellous,” and hands his business card over. “Get him to give me a call.”
When the duck enters the pub the following day, the barman says, “Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”
When the duck adds, “I’m always looking for the next job,” “Where is it?”
“At the circus,” the barman replies.
The duck asks again, “The circus?”
“That’s right,” the barman responds.
The duck repeats, “The circus?” “With the big TENT?”
“Yeah!” says the barman.
“With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?” replies the duck.
“Of course,” says the barman.
“And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” The duck persists.
“That’s right!” the barman exclaims.
“What would they want with a plasterer???” the duck asks, shaking his head in wonder.
3.
An Irishman enters a pub. After ordering and consuming both shots, he departs.
The Irishman comes back the following day, orders two more shots, takes them both, and walks away.
He keeps doing this for a while until the barman asks him one day, “Why do you always order exactly two shots?”
In response, the Irishman says, “You see, my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he now lives across the country, so I order two drinks every night.” One for my brother and one for myself.
For a while, nothing changes until the Irishman shows up one day and orders only one shot. Concerned, the barman asks him, “Why are you only ordering one shot? What happened to your brother? Is he okay?
“Obviously not,” the Irishman responds, “my brother is doing OK. I simply stopped drinking.
4.
Having parents who are LGBT must be awful. Either you’re locked in a never-ending cycle of “go ask your mother” or you receive twice as many dad jokes as usual.
5.
An elderly guy lies with his spouse by his side on his deathbed. Steve, their last child, was always sceptical because he didn’t resemble the other two. The elderly guy turned to face his wife and said, “I need to know, but it doesn’t matter right now, honey. “Is Steve my son?” “He is your son,” his wife declares with a smile. Then, the elderly man passes away quietly. His spouse then remarks, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the first two.”
6.
A hitch-hiker caught my eye as I was travelling down the road. I decided to give him a ride because I was feeling giving. He was really appreciative when I picked him up and we headed down the street, but he added, “You aren’t afraid that I could be a serial killer or something?” “The chances that we are both serial k*llers are probably pretty low, don’t you think?” I asked, laughing as I glanced at him.
7.
For my room, my friend purchased me an elephant. When I thanked her, she told me not to bring it up.
8.
What do you call a sandal-wearing Frenchman? Phillope, Philippe.
9.
How can one distinguish between a chemist and an electrician?
Have them say the word “unionised.”
10.
Brief and to the point. In the middle of a spooky forest, a guy and a small boy are strolling together.
The small boy declares: I’m afraid.
The man responds: I have to walk back by myself.
11.
Dave is one of those people who detests going to the doctor. He is fortunate that his brother, Henry, works as a veterinarian. When Dave informs Henry he’s unwell, Henry responds, “Look, I’m not a doctor, but here are the things I would do and the medications I would take.”
When Dave breaks his leg one day, he contacts his brother and informs Henry of the injury. After a period of silence, Henry adds, “Dave, I have bad news.”
12.
A man entered a bar, took a seat and placed an order for a beer. “Nice tie!” was said in a calming voice as he sipped the beer. He glanced around and saw that the bar was deserted save for himself and the barman at the far end. “Beautiful shirt,” the voice said after a few sips.
The man called the barman over at this point. “Hey…He said, “I must be going crazy,” to the barman. “We are the only people in here, and I keep hearing these voices saying nice things.”
The barman said, “It’s the peanuts.”
“What do you say?”
The barman said, “You heard me.” “It’s the peanuts.” They complement each other.
13.
How do you make holy water? Easy. Just boil the hell out of it.
14.
I was unable to figure out why the ball was growing larger.
Then it dawned on me.
15.
In what way do you envision the unimaginable?
Alongside an itheberg
16.
“Excuse me, sir, but where do you keep the spinach?” a woman taps a grocer on the shoulder as he is replenishing the veggies. “Well, ma’am, we’re out of spinach today, but we get some more tomorrow, so come back then,” the man responds.
The merchant keeps restocking the carrots as the woman nods and leaves. “Sir, I was wondering where I could find the spinach?” the same woman asks, tapping the grocer on the shoulder a few minutes later. The grocer, bewildered, declares, “Well, ma’am, we are out of spinach today.” But tomorrow morning we will have more. Return tomorrow.
As she leaves, the woman thanks him with a smile. The merchant returns his focus to the carrots and shakes his head. “Pardon me, but do you know where the spinach is?” she says, tapping him on the shoulder once more a few moments later.
“Let me ask you something,” the grocer adds, giving her a furious look. How is “dog,” as in “dogmatic,” spelt? “D-O-G,” the woman responds. “All right,” the grocer replies. “Now, in catatonic, how do you spell cat?” The woman says, “C-A-T.” “Excellent,” the grocer responds. “Now, how do you spell spinach with fk?” “Yeah, F – U -… hold on a minute… there is no fk in spinach,” she responds.
“THAT’S THE POINT LADY!” exclaims the grocer.
17.
On a small plane were a young youngster, a wealthy businessman, a famous professor, and an elderly preacher.
“We’re going down, but we only have four parachutes,” the pilot informs the passengers as the engine fails. I won’t be the one who has to stay, but one of us will.” He jumps after grabbing a parachute.
“I’m too smart to die!” the scholar exclaims as he rises from his chair. In addition, he jumps after grabbing a parachute.
The businessman declares, “I’m too rich to die!” after realising this. He leaps after grabbing the third parachute.
“I’ve lived a long life, but you’re still young,” the preacher remarks, glancing at the young lad. Live by taking the final parachute.
“Thank you sir, that’s very kind of you,” the boy replies. However, we can both live.”
The preacher asks in confusion, “What do you mean? There is only one parachute left.
The boy said, “Before the scholar jumped, he grabbed my rucksack.”
18.
At his first mass, a new priest was so anxious that he was barely able to speak. He asked the monsignor how he was doing after mass. The monsignor retorted, “I place a glass of vodka next to the water glass when I’m anxious about speaking. I take a drink whenever I start to feel anxious.
He followed the monsignor’s suggestion the following Sunday. He grabbed a drink at the start of the sermon because he was worried. He then started talking nonstop. After mass, he returned to his office to discover the following message on the door:
Don’t guzzle the vodka; instead, sip it.
- There are ten, not twelve, commandments.
- There are twelve, not ten, disciples.
- Rather than being constipated, Jesus was consecrated.
- Jacob did not gamble his a*s; instead, he wagered his donkey.
- Jesus Christ is not referred to as the late J.C.
- Daddy, Junior, and the Spook are not the names given to the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
- David did not kick the living daylights out of Goliath; instead, he slaughtered him.
- Don’t claim that David was stoned off his ass when he was struck by a rock and knocked off his donkey.
- The cross is not known as the “Big T” by us.
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” His words were not “Eat me.”
- Mary isn’t known as “Mary with the Cherry.”
- The suggested pre-meal grace is not: Thank you, God, for the grub. Rub-A-Dub-Dub.
- Instead of a peter pulling event at St. Taffy’s, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s on Sunday.
